I keep posting stuff like "face to the Son" and "let's love each other" and "be kind," etc.
Some days, I want to tell platitudes like that to get bent.
Some days, like today.
I'm not sure what it is, but I have been close to major waterworks since I woke up this morning. Smiles have been willed; my muscles are being forced to turn upward, but the inside weeps. that stupid serpent slithers his way into our home and our words, hissing and writhing from our hearts to our mouths. Worship music -- passionate, favorite, emotive, and chill-inducing -- has shriveled back in the face of arguments, tension, and insecurity-driven anger. We know Jesus is bigger, but sometimes we don't care. We scream. We want to be right. We want to- we DESERVE to- "just be like this... it's how I FEEL..."
Satan smiles, doing what he does best.
Division. Discord. Dissension.
At the moment, I don't have nice, uplifting, kind words to say. It's not that I'm angry. And I don't have MEAN words, I'm just not in a good space I suppose. I'm tired, and the air feels like it weighs a lot today for some reason. I don't think it's the corona. I'm honestly (and not so secretly) REALLY glad for the chance to stay home and not "people" unless I have to. Strange, really- I used to be such an outgoing person- I loved people and going out and doing things and not really wanting to land anywhere for long. Now I am a hundred million percent happiest and most peaceful if I am safely entrenched in my home with quiet and the things that make my heart beat. So no, it's not the virus, I don't think.
One of the most beautiful shines that has come out of this "quarantine" covid mess - as I've mentioned before- is the fact that my family members are learning scads about each other. Our family email is on day nine, I think, and each day's questions/ answers have elicited the most heavy, raw emotions in me. The responses have been illuminating, for sure, and I cherish and look forward to the days correspondence. but I've been slogged in my comparison-mud and covered in its dirtiness for a few days now- y'all, this is not God's design for me. His Word advises against comparison, and though I know this to my core, it never fails that I am repeatedly trapped in the "I'm not worthy" of it. My brain swims with "they're so much better than me" and "I'll never be as (*insert adjective of choice here*) as they are. A lifetime of mantras like "I'm the least intelligent in our family" and "I wish I were as pretty as she is" has molded and shaped me into a relatively insecure blob. While I know that the contrary is TRUTH- I am worthy, I am loved, I am His chosen child, God loves me... all the things... and again, I'll say, I KNOW THAT... I have moments, hours, and days, where it seems like my emotional weight and self-talk smother the God-truth. I don't want to feel like this. I don't WANT to be envious of my sisters; they are sensational, beautiful, talented, and indescribably intelligent for sure, but there's a truth somewhere that says I am, too. I just need to somehow breathe that in and anchor it into my being, but how? How do I internalize something that I know is true but can't get from my knowing to my BEING? Is the serpent really slithering around my life-center and my soul, keeping things from getting in there and lodging and living permanently? And, living on this shifting foundation of sandy insecurity and doubt, how can "hurt ears" and "damaged perception" ever have a normal conversation? How do I give and receive information to family, spouse, kids, friends, etc., without sending and/ or receiving it with my crappy filters?
I am grateful. I am. And this could just be the outflow of hormones or a wonky day or tension or blah blah blah...
For now, though... I'll make myself face the Son, I'll love, I'll do the "kind", and I'll fight Satan. He loses anyway.
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