Yesterday's post was the first in about a month. I don't know why, really. My brain has been beyond full, I've had swarms of words and emotions, but for some reason, until yesterday, all my innards' swirls haven't fallen out of my fingertips onto my keyboard.
Time?
Lack of desire?
Laziness?
All that?
I was actually hoping to blog cheerfully the other day regaling my reader(s?) of a fantastic God-placement, career-wise. An important position in the world for me. A change. Not to take the place of bake-work, but to greatly and exponentially supplement the fairly sizable money-hit we've taken since weddings aren't currently a "go." Weddings ain't happening, which means crowds of happy reception-goers don't need servers and/ or iced post-nuptial sponge-y tastiness. Do the math: if the negatives are occurring with much greater frequency than the pluses, one winds up with a bank balance not conducive to a lifestyle to which she and her family are accustomed. Or even one that is able to handle even the basic bills...
But I didn't blog until yesterday, and here I am again. I guess my words and subsequent barfing them onto my screen and into your lives come in waves. Here we are.
I applied recently for a position I didn't feel necessarily credentialed for. Not only academically credentialed, but experientially, too. I felt incredible about the interview, however, and there was a small part of me that "just knew" I had gotten the job. Coupled with applying and interviewing were fears like "what about homeschooling," and "what if I have another stroke", as well as affirmations like "it will really help Aaron with income" and "B can go back to a classroom," so it was a bananas dichotomy and a silly struggle in my head, post-interview.
One of the things that was made super clear to me during the interview, toward the end, was the fact that my life, my self-worth, and even our family's financial wherewithal, didn't necessarily hinge upon whether or not I landed this job. I had an abundant clarity: a "no" for the position wasn't the world's "no;" it was simply God's "not yet"... I knew, that since the incredible folks with whom I had interviewed were such good, godly people, that whatever happened to the door in this situation- whether it open or closed- would be God's doing, not mine. I got into my car, high on confidence (which is a rare feeling for me... I'm probably one of the most insecure folks ever, if I'm honest), said some super-grateful words to the One who had brought me to the interview, and breathed in the possibilities- the either way of it. For real. I said, out loud- and not only did I say out loud, I KNEW- that I was ok with however it turned out, and that I was really excited about having been there and gotten the chance to speak with them.
That was a Friday morning.
I rode on the elation, hung onto it, felt it coursing through my everything... what was the "happy" from, where was that excitement born? Spending time with adults? Hope? Possibility of being able to financially contribute to my family's income? Getting out of the house for an hour and being in a godly, Christian building with people that weren't my husband and kiddos? Being part of a conversation with kind, intelligent people, sharing the love of Jesus and being genuinely comfortable in the permission to have that dialogue?
I was certain- and certain in Christ, not Jenny- that I would a. get that job and b. be ok if I didn't.
I was hopeful that they'd make their decision quickly- that they would have been blown away by my dazzling personality, competence, and love for Christ, and they'd call me back by that afternoon. We would make plans for their new employee (that would be me, by the way) to come in, I would talk about the spectacular ideas I had, they'd offer shocked, pleased, and agreeing glances to each other and to me, and we would focus on the path we would walk together as colleagues, referencing God's plan for our lives and for the job, and the sun would set on co-worker shoulder-claps and coffee mugs clinking together in unity-cheers. Let me repeat that: I was hopeful. I was not certain. I was also determined, as I said, too, to be ok with whatever was going to happen.
Several days; numerous conversations with my family and friends; and too-many-to-count prayers and attempts at "leaning-on-Him for patience" later, the caller ID announced what I had been waiting for. "We have good news and bad news," his voice smiling, such a kind man, simply sharing the decision God had given him, still on my team- God's team- wanting His plan for all of us. He was certain. He was absolutely right, and doing what was best. "We're keeping the position in-house" he said.
It didn't match my prayers. It didn't quite complement what I "knew" was going to happen. It was not at all what I was certain was the plan.
We can pray and want and think we know what He has for us, and we can solidify all the things in our conscious and subconscious, and shift thoughts, and plan, and prepare for what we think or "know" is going to happen.
In my mind, my kitchen was about to be closed for most baking. I was prepped and ready to share an "only wedding cakes" post on my website, and announce to clients and friends that "sonflowers table" would be significantly downsizing (which is kinda funny, there's not a lot of room to size DOWN, if I'm real...) and shifting to a weekends-only situation, and mostly at Sugarneck. I had Bonham in school, in my head, had already chatted with him about what being back in a classroom would look like and what sorts of expectations I had regarding that, and had begun some fairly significant research into courses I could take to make myself a better leader in my new position. I was thinking about clothes to buy, and what conversations I would have with my new colleagues. I was researching curricula (it was a school position), and planning what my staff meetings would look like.
Occupying the same thought-space in my head, though, and quite to the contrary, were things like "but it has to be ok if His answer is 'no'- almost like a knowing, somehow. A way of reminding myself, God reminding me, keeping me in check in a way. The Holy Spirit whispering? A humbling?
I've always heard (and experienced to a large degree) the real-life playing out of His plan and His visions not always matching ours. Scripture says "His ways are not our ways..." and it couldn't be more clear in our lives, though at some times considerably more than others. He reminds us, he shows us repeatedly- and it annoys the living daylights out of us, really, sometimes. We think we've got it. We think we know, we're SO SURE, we can see what He has for us, we know what He's telling us... blah blah blah. (the "blah blah blah", by the way, is to my own thoughts, most certainly not to His...)
And guess what?
We're not right all the time. We mess up. We hear wrong, or we hear what we want to hear, or we waffle or get in our own way or overthink or whatever. Or, we don't listen to what He's genuinely trying to say to us - we are pretty stubborn, after all.
Cool thing, though...?
God- my God- my Abba- gets it right, every single time.
He doesn't mess up. He doesn't waffle. He doesn't change, doesn't get in His own way, doesn't overthink.
Also...? He's already been there.
He's been in the job I didn't get. He has chosen the right person for that position, He has walked the hallways with that person, has cleared the path for him/ her. He has already placed me where I need to be, even if I'm not physically there yet. He's been where I'm going, and He will hold me- carrying me if I need Him to- while I get there. And not just in my career... as a wife, as a mom/ stepmom, as a sister, a friend, a bass-player at church, a prayer partner, a grom, a daughter, a niece... He has put me in my roles, has equipped me for them, and will be with me- in all of them.
I'm embarrassed in a way, and stung a little, that I didn't get the position. It stinks, to be perfectly real. And knowing He has a plan and I'll be where He wants me seems marginally like a platitude and doesn't help, on the surface. It's annoying and sometimes I want to throat punch well-meaners and prayer-offerers. I'm a person.
But I also know and mean and believe everything I've said in this post.
He does have me, He does have a plan, and He has already been there.
Now it's my turn to get there- His way, and in His time.
For now, the kitchen is still open, and there are places at my table... be still, and sit with me. He'll join us.
I know it.
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