I got a phone call last night @ 9:46pm. Not too strange, I guess, but as a mama- an anxious mama, at that- when it's coming from Madison, one of the youth pastors at the church camp where my 18yo kiddo is this week (yes, it's during a pandemic, I know, I know- don't judge...), it was marginally alarming.
It's crazy how in the span of 2 seconds, a brain can have about 5-6 simultaneous thoughts. Simultaneous means "at the same time." Brains are incredible, aren't they? Thoughts. At the same time (hence, the use of the word "simultaneous"). How does that even work? Anyway, in MY particular panic-driven bananas brain, those thoughts looked a little like this:
"oh no, she has corona"
"oh no, she fell off a mountain"
"oh no, she got in a fight"
"oh no, she broke a bone"
"oh no, she said something embarrassing"
"oh my GOD is my kid dead?"
KJ is 18. She just graduated from Lee Christian School, a private school here in Sanford. Born into the Sept.11 universe, a senior during Covid-19... nothing ordinary about those bookends.
She's a mama's girl, to some extent, and- Lord bless her sweet soul- not only is she a mama's girl, she is JUST like me. My apologies, my babyRoo. Compassion-heart, shiny beautiful, bright, oh-so-kind, and- as I said, like her mom- a self-esteem that starves for affirmation and validation, ridiculous insecurity, and a less-than-stellar self-love situation.
She's popular enough- the right people are rather fond of her.
I've been on the fence about things like "why does so-and-so not like her?" or "what happened to her friendship with thus-and-such?" when really, in the grand scheme, it doesn't matter. She's part of this silly, giggle-trifecta with whom she was solidly plunked many years ago; the three-stranded core is solid, branching out here and there to several lovely offshoots, but they boomerang back to each other, always. Ever-friends.
KJ has grown up sans papa. I got pregnant, refused the horrific alternative to sustaining said pregnancy, and chose love. I chose HER.
I also chose to go it alone. She has never met him.
Every day since she was born, I've asked myself if I did the right thing in keeping him from her.
I've searched for a daddy for her since then, too. I've wanted to cover the scars and wipe the tears and to fill the void I know she's had in her heart as long as she can remember.
BUT,
"Family" is not to be manufactured.
"Love" cannot be coerced.
Praise God, KJ is 18, and she has a daddy now. The years have been long, but God restores, y'all. He makes up for lost time, and prayerfully, she has a lifetime yet with our Aaron.
Along the way, however, even without a daddy, KJ has been shown more love than I think any kid could have. She has godmamas and my parents and friends and siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins galore, and any one of them would walk through fire for that girl. Without question.
KJ is a crowd-pleaser, gravitates toward whatever the trend du jour is- currently Post Malone and TikTok- but somehow, at the same time, manages to maintain some views and opinions that are vastly different from the masses'. Her "Team Hillary" shirt was donned to school on the regular- much to the chagrin of her primarily-Republican HS alma mater- but she cared not... KJ nods props toward her hippie aunts and grandparents whenever she can, and loves it.
She thrives on attention, and will step on toes if she has to, to get it- I'm not proud necessarily, but boy is she that way... eg- she was removed from the homecoming court (and according to a reliable source, a likely victory) as well as cheering in the homecoming games, due to a poor decision that led to some pretty hurt feelings in her peer group. She had succeeded in garnering the laughter and attention from her choices, but suffered the consequences in doing so; I will say, though, she accepted her punishment somewhat gracefully. After the homecoming games had been played and the royalty selected, photographed, and posted, KJ had time for reflection. Of her own volition, she apologized to the appropriate parties- in writing- and acknowledged her foibles. This mom hopes THAT doesn't happen again, but I am grateful for lessons learned.
KJ has struggled academically since early-elementary. I suspect a fairly significant writing LD, but that was never diagnosed; I was in the public school EC world for years, and as functional as KJ was, I would rather not have had that stigma for her. I've seen how it works. Not a knock on our school system at all, but KJ functioned as a pretty average kiddo- albeit with some glaring writing issues- and I saw how "average" got lost in the shuffle. If you're not uber-bright AIG or in need of significant EC services, it was tough. Middle kiddo at home, middle kiddo at school. Sigh. Public school wasn't for her, so we enrolled her at Lee Christian, and I'll say that's probably the best school-decision I've ever made for her. She soared as a falcon, was accepted into UNCW, and this mom-heart has swollen with so much love and "proudofhers"...
The phone rang last night, and though I was terrified at what the voice on the other side would say, I managed a "hello?"
KJ, out of breath, clearly amped, yelled into the phone "GUESS WHAT?!?!"
and this mama...? She knew.
Ergo, tears.
"I GOT SAVED!!!!!"
Rustle of phone noises, shuffling shuffling, then Kyle:
"Miss Jenny, I just wanted to let you know that your daughter has just accepted Jesus Christ into her heart as her Lord and Savior...she is now my sister in Christ..."
I don't remember the rest of Kyle's words.
Laughs, muffled voices, firework emotions, Jesus celebrating.
He knew, too.
He had it in his planner, I'm just sure of it.
KJ, back on the phone:
"I gotta go!!! I love youuuuuu!!!"
and that was it.
Four breathtaking sections of x60.
240 seconds of wow.
Tons of tears and prayers, culminating into that four minute inhale, breathhold.
KJ has been baptized before, I've prayed like crazy over and for and with her, and she has always had a deep love for Christ. I honestly thought she had been saved before, but I wasn't sure when, and I truthfully didn't even know if she had or not.
Last night, I knew.
It was a beautifully exciting, fast, explosive four minutes, then quiet, and peace. That peace- you know- that passes all understanding?
That's the One.
This is what moms hope and pray for.
This is what Christians seek.
This is what Christ has done- He sought and He saved.
THIS is what love looks like... pastors, friends, teachers, parents... doing the work, loving when it's hard, teaching, praying, sharing the gospel, leading people to Christ.
I wonder if she'll be allowed to wear "Team Hillary" in heaven...God only knows...
...shalom...
Comments
Post a Comment