"About one-third or 30% of human life is spent working. The average working week in the United States consists of 40 hours of work. Most people take a few holidays every year. On an average, most people spend about 25-35 years working."
-"What Percentage of our Lives is Spent Working?" Mar 2020.
https://www.reference.com/world-view/percentage-lives-spent-working 599e3f7fb2c88fca#:~:text=About%20one%2Dthird%20or%2030,25%20to%2030%20years%20working. Access date May 31 2021.
"Writer Annie Dillard famously said, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” For many of us, a large portion of our days is spent at work; in fact, the average person will spend 90,000 hours at work over a lifetime."
-author unknown. "One-Third of your Life is Spent at Work."
https://www.gettysburg.edu/news/stories?id=79db7b34-630c-4f49-ad32-4ab9ea48e72b&pageTitle=1%2F3+of+your+life+is+spent+at+work. Access date May 31 2021.
**this is a not-too-often read personal blog; I probably don't need to cite my sources, but I'm not sure, so there we are.
We work a lot. Before 2020 pandemic life we were away from home, working, way more than we were with our families. Our waking lives were spent doing life away from home, and for people other than our families, considerably more (minutes- and seconds-wise) than the converse. Work and life got more of US than people we adore.
Covid has done this thing, though, where all the big parts of our lives have been smashed together. For the last year (ish), we've worked at home, schooled at home, eaten at home, churched at home, and still managed (tried) to do all the "home" things at home. Lines have been crossed, boundaries blurred, and we've all learned the pros and many cons to virtual "life." With makeshift desks set up in random areas of the home and corners of rooms that don't look anything like what's behind the camera, we've had office meetings, online classes, screen-time small groups, virtual doctor's appointments- squinting at screens and muting/ unmuting ourselves, and worried if our "top-half-only" attire would be discovered. We've taught through "Teams" meetings- at home and in our classrooms- navigating our way through turning in assignments, technical annoyances, and all the "is this thing on?"s. Aaron, since he is in the IT world, has been clicking and computer-ing and server-ing and solving his way through this pandemic; he has been appropriately lauded- even financially compensated on top of his already-comfortable salary- at his workplace for seamlessly walking his entire office through the myriad situations associated with shifting a global oil business from in-person to at-home functioning. He's a gem. We've fought the mask-or-not battles, we've learned how to garden, we've loved Instacart and DoorDash, and we've done the hand-up-worship-and-prayer thing in our living rooms. Loving Jesus and begging Him to walk with us through this mess.
In the last year, we've seen what life looks like when we're forced to stop, back up, and be present. And there's been a major convergence and huge blending of the work, home, and church aspects of our lives.
If nothing else, Covid has created- at least in me- a strong, filters-off, eye-opening sense of introspection; I've been forced to look at how I respond to others, and to myself- and it's almost like having all these big life-parts all smashed into one has magnified my view somehow. Everything has been crammed onto one slide, crunched down with those little pins, and put under a giant microscope.
I'm glad God is in charge of the focus knob; it's been really ugly- a major portion of the time- and often hard to see. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes.
But God.
Pastors and youth leaders- when they're trying to drive a point home, desperately reaching out for lost souls and for unsaved hearts- sometimes say things like "tonight, when you're alone in your room, and it's just you and Jesus..." and I hear this. Loud and clear. I'm saved, I'm crazy in love with Jesus Christ, but I have those "when I'm alone with Him" moments - those times when I can't stand myself and don't see how in the world He can love me. Those pastor-words resonate. I'm that kid who doesn't know who I am, I'm that kid who struggles with pride and doubt and fear and insecurity, I'm that kid who doesn't feel worthy. I'm the kid who needs verbal affirmation but doesn't want it. I'm the kid who feels fat, gross, and ugly (but apparently not enough- I love food more, I guess...), doesn't always know her purpose, and longs desperately to be the Instagram mom who lives that perfectly hippe-dressed, smiling kids, rose-gold-and-succulent-home-decorated, macrame and earth-toned filtered life. I'm the kid who has major issues with intimacy; sex was always a tool of control, manipulation and affirmation- a result of rape and sexual abuse for years- and I've lugged those brick-loaded bags into this life and this marriage. I'm the kid who has daddy-issues, and is trying to mend them, hoping it's not too late; my daddy is sick, declining, and it terrifies me... I'm the kid who damaged that relationship and desperately wants it to be ok before he's not here anymore. I'm the kid who has always said I wanted a life like the one that I have now; but I feel like I'm being suffocated by what I've prayed for. I'm the kid who has eyes for greener grass- not guys anymore- but other people's happiness, other people's relationships with God, other people's Instafiltered families.
I want to be that woman who says "back the *&@# up, Satan- you lose. I belong to GOD" and truthfully, I am- sometimes. More often than not, though, as I'm still toddler-esque in my faith, it's hard, and requires such steadfast intentionality and a ton of "taking thoughts captive." I'm learning.
What helps me push through those doubting moments?
Truth. Not my truth - that's frequently NOT what it seems and can often be a load of manure straight from Satan himself- but God's truth, His word, HIS fact.
He twists the knob, bringing certain areas into focus.
I try to avert my eyes; he cups my chin, directing my gaze back in His direction.
His clarity, smashing it into mine.
Facts that HIS focus has clarified for me (too many, really, so I'll consolidate into just a few that get me through my days):
-God has me where He wants/ needs me. I am doing work for Him, and He has brought me to the a. home we share, the b. career in which I am working (at school and in the kitchen), and c. the church in which we worship (either in person or in our living room)- which, for a season, was Manna Sanford, and now Crossroads Ministries. He has determined my steps, and in obedience to His will for those areas, I have experienced numerous blessing and- regardless of minutiae- incomprehensible peace.
-He has placed people into my life (and me into theirs, I'm learning) for a purpose- HIS purpose. He's showing me that I am loved and am needed- by Him and others. (well, He doesn't NEED me, but He does love me so...)
-He has provided. Food, money, necessities, and extras- I, like the sparrows, have to worry not. His provision is exactly what we need, and I'm learning to be grateful in want and in plenty.
-At Lee Christian School (my place of employ... one of my absolute favorite places on earth), we are free- and encouraged- to love on each other, and share His love and His word. God is priority at school- above all else. Academics and behavior and all the school-things, yes, but relationship with HIM comes first. This doesn't mean all the kiddos have to be in love with Christ... that's the goal, certainly- but I AM, and I get to be in love with Him to them. I get to show them what loving Him looks like. What grace and mercy look like. What transparency and broken and redemption and righteousness look like. Safely, in Him, with Him.
-Learning happens with every breath I take, and with every second that passes. God shows me, in every single mess-up and every wee triumph, that something positive can be taken away from the experience. I am becoming a person that- though human and most fallible- really sees errors on my part, even when reproach and those hard self-looks sting so much, and wants desperately to mend those. I'm straddling acknowledgement and self-deprecation, accountability and admonishment, conviction and condemnation, and it's so, so hard. Perfect example: part of the exams I gave my journalism and literature scholars this semester was a "course evaluation;" I wanted good, honest feedback from the kiddos regarding their experiences in my classes, and whoa. I got it. I asked them to be honest- not disrespectful, just honest. Upon first read, I was heartstung and feelings-hurt. Yuck. But quick breath, glance up to Jesus, reminder. I need this. I asked, yes. In order to grow, though, to be better, to DO better, we have to hear the stuff we don't want to hear sometimes. One of the comments said something along the lines of "it's obvious you've never taught this before." Someone else's said "you're really disorganized." (well, several said that, who am I kidding). Another: "Talk to Mr. Johnson. I don't know what he does, but whatever it is, it works." I got one that said "I honestly didn't learn anything in this class- she needs to challenge us more."
But, in the harsh and the true (and some that weren't true, actually... I'm not sure what class a couple of them were talking about, really...), I read papers that said "Mrs. Little cares," "I've never had a teacher love us so much," "she gives us a safe space to grow," and "I really felt listened to in her class" and I realized a couple of things:
a. I am good at teaching struggling learners and the emotionally fragile kiddos. I get them, I understand alternate learning styles, and I listen to their hearts above everything.
b. loving them makes this infinitely harder, but it's infinitely what they're starving for
c. my teaching strengths are NOT in Honors or Gifted/ AP classes. 100% of the "negative" or challenging comments came from academically savvy, higher-level learners, and I now have THEIR confirmation of what I've already known- I gravitate toward the "least of these," whether emotional, social, or academic in nature.
I'm grateful that in those moments today, I didn't wallow in the old-me-style of "oh noooooo they don't like meeee what am I gonna doooooooo....??!?" I read their honest assessments, and will genuinely use them to fuel growth and positive change.
-My inner everything loves children. I've always been fairly comfy with younger kiddos, and "relationships" have always trumped any academic stuff in my teaching career, even with tiny ones. This school year, though, I've discovered that I have been gifted with the ability to teach and counsel scholars in high school, too. Who knew? I'm not quite "great" at it yet, but again, loving on them has come naturally to me, and I'm determined to put a Lucy van Pelt "the doctor is in" kiosk up in my room.
In the spirit of verbosity, I've kept this blog entry at its lengthy norm; I have so much more swirling around in my brain and in my soul, but I will word-purge again another day.
Selah...jml
Comments
Post a Comment