empty chairs at empty tables
Listen to recordings. Take notes. Write them down. Delete them.
Funeral for Kathleen's mom yesterday. Gorgeous. mini-reunion. awkward, kept looking away, looking for an "out"... did they notice? Do I care?
"I love you" isn't a question waiting for a response. Waiting for affirmation. Necessary for the same words to come out of the recipient's lips. "I love you" shouldn't come with expectation, it isn't conditional.
Spent time with Maureen yesterday. Perfect, no expectations, comfortable. NOT awkward. Familiar.
Plan a trip. With Maureen, with Kandace, with Kelley, alone... SOMEthing. DO SOMEthing. Go away to write?
Keep writing.
Spend some time w/ Kandace- I miss her.
If I leave, am I sinning? Am I making God angry? Am I disappointing Him? Am I supposed to stay, to keep going... what is mine to carry, what is Aaron's? I mean, yes, I know- all of it is God's- at what point do we have to/ need to/ should we heal independently of each other in order to contribute wholly to the union?
It's so funny how much of what I'm going through now is exactly the stuff Shane tried to explain to me years ago. Aaron's behavior/ words/ expectations currently are 10000000% mine from several years ago- exactly. SO, 1. I can see now what I did to Shane (he isn't responsibility-free of course, I just mean from my end), and 2. I know - from significant experience- what it takes to change it/ fix it.
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