things I don't know. and things I do.

                                         

I had my annual, EOY "performance review" thingie the other day. What is it about "bosses" that makes me feel like I'm going to be able to violently revisit everything I've eaten in the previous 24 hours? Typically, while I'm walking up to the front office for a meeting, or if I've been summoned by the head honcho, or if I feel like I might accidentally run into him with his chill vibe and pink shoes (we give him a hard time about his flamingo-colored footwear), I'm silently talking with God, almost begging Him to help me say the right things or keep the wrong ones at bay. Tuesday's meeting went pretty well; I always- without fail - leave the meetings, though, wishing I hadn't said so-and-so, or going back and replaying the conversations, searching what my mind gives to me in the form of recollection - which may or may not be factual, as I'm the most paranoid overthinker in the world. The most recent meeting was full of positives, whew, and encouragement; I'm trying to camp out there instead of in the "pay attention to absences" portion of the meeting. I get it. I'm doing better about that... 

Crippling anxiety - mine, my husband's, and my child's - does make things a little more challenging, but baby steps. 

                      

My last blog entry centered around my graduation with my Master's, and my slightly whiny "what do I do now" query. As I mentioned then, in my brain somehow, "do I go back to school" was never the question. It was simply a question of "which school and for what?" 

At the time of my last writing, I was two and a half weeks into my first semester as a student in the online ABA program at Floria Tech, and thriving. Good grades - though I feel as if less-than-perfection is absolutely the end of the world, and I had a 97.8 at the time, which I wondered whether was good enough - and craving more. I drank in the topics and discussions, and was thoroughly engaged with the quirky presenters, writing down and soaking in every word and scenario. I joined facebook groups, took Quizlets, asked my sweet patient friend Keri wayyyyy too many questions, bought study guides and coloring books and watched YouTube videos; I was so scared I would miss something or not truly understand or be unable to apply the concepts to real-life situations. It was truly fascinating, and there's something in me, I think, that's very behavior-oriented, very interested in the data and the why of human behaviors.

And yet, something was wonky.  

There aren't the words to assign to the underneath. The "something." Yes, I question and doubt everything. I overthink and ponder and sicken myself with worry or "what-ifs." This wasn't that. It was this unsettled uncertainty. 

As I said, wonky. 

Like I was wearing someone else's skin (not like Buffalo Bill, sheesh, my goodness). 

Actually, right now, as I'm writing this, and thinking back, I'm wondering if it was simply a struggle of "what I want" being different from "what I should do..."? I say "simply"... it isn't. 

Or maybe "what should I do?" needs "right now" tacked onto the end. Perhaps the wonkiness was just due to a God's-timing thing.

Perhaps a lot of things. Who knows, really?

I don't, for sure.

I do, however, have these facts - these truths - on which to lean: 

1. I stopped the BCBA program. Like yeeted right on up outta there. Sent an email, got out, and that's that. 

2. I know behavior. That won't change. 

3. Our school needs this EC program. PATHways is happening. I now have a team of 3. 

4. Our school is not ready for the nuances of Autism-specific services, as much as I want us to be. I can't force it, so we wait. For now.

5. I registered for classes at Liberty. For my Doctorate. Starts June 24, Grace's birthday. 

6. I have an idea for research that is publishable and very relevant. Stay tuned. 

7. Jesus. 

 

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